Real Players’ Player – Michael Forde. Too big-time to play now he’s signed for (Oxford) Harlequins but well deserved after a great season from the workhorse.

Dinosaur Award – Oli Cooke. Incredibly old and able to wrap people up in his knotted arms. Dinosaurs classically have small weak arms though so this award is more a tribute to the stupidity of Hodge and Mass (who came up with it).

Anthrax Award – Sean McArthy. A surprise package. Proved he can play rugby and has good craic, which no one believed prior to the trip.

Blue Waffle Award – John Newton. Obligatory. Spent more cash than the rest of the touring party combined.

Fair Play Award – Gav Painter. Gave up his bed so that our weak link, Hodgy, could get a good nights sleep and not let the side down.

Generally Bent Head Coach Award – Rob Eatough. Stepped in when Newts was too drunk to organise everyone. Generally bent.

Veteran Award – Alan Jones. Oldest man on tour. Also in contention for 'The Dog Leg' award for flying out the line.

Man of Tour – Chris McTurk. Scored a hat full of tries and kept tabs on the other teams’ gasmen. All round good lad, in with the wrong crowd.

Goiter Award – Graham Seddon. Fattest player on tour. Honourable mention – Marty Lithgo.

Dry Lunch Award – Andrew Seddon. “Imagine if rape was legal”.

Black Mamba Award – Marty Lithgo. Almost didnt make tour as he was very ill.

Leader of Men Award – Andrew ‘Ian’ Hodgson. “Lads…”

One Day Warrior Award – Chris Peace. Was shit on day 1, epic on day 2. Total steps attempted – 46. Defenders beaten – 0.

Johnson and Johnson ‘No Tears’ Award – Olly Peters – Always crying. Has become a massive faggot since he moved to London.

Hooker’s Fanny Award – Charles Massarella. Jumped in a canal and plenty of other things not befitting a gentleman.